And my jaw hits the floor.
Maybe not exactly like this.
I have to double and triple check what I am seeing. However it does appear to be true. I have 657 page views. I know that doesn't sound impressive - loads of people get thousands of views on their blog. But this seems different. I consider this blog to be a bit of relief, some of the posts are really pretty dull. But 657 views? 404 people from the UK decided to look at one of my posts. And 168 from Denmark! 62 from the US! Now I know that those are "views" not unique people but even taking that into account I am astonished. Maybe this just means people will read anything.
Sure looks it.
What I find interesting is the different ways people have come to my site. 5 came from Twitter, one may be myself and some others my friends. I think that's how they found it. There's one from Facebook - I don't remember mentioning my blog so maybe someone mentioned it in a private message? One person appeared to be searching for "villacamp fib" on Google. 7 other searches were for authors of books that I have either read or are currently reading. It appears my most popular post is something that I considered a bit of filler before I started posting real content again. More Ramblings doesn't appear to me to be a very gripping post. But it does mention a then-newly-released film (Robin Hood), a then-months-old film (Where The Wild Things Are), a then-current cause (saving BBC 6 Music), 2 bands (Doves, Cherry Ghost), a music venue (Troxy) and 2 popular video games (Call of Duty and CS:S). I unintentionally wrote a search engine's dream. It makes me feel a little uneasy to consider trying to write posts that will get me page views. Too much pandering to the mainstream, man. Not underground enough.
I'm not worried about being too mainstream - I got 1 page view from just mentioning a Death Cab album.
However I am willing to give this whole "relevant" blogging thing a try. Which is why I have decided to do a blog post about Chris Brown's penis.
Not pictured: his penis.
Most people will know Chris Brown as "that guy that smacked Rihanna about". Some of you may know him as "the guy that's ripping off Calvin Harris' song". It now appears he has a new reason for people to know him. I have not seen Chris Brown's penis. But I am told that, if I were a penis connoisseur, I would be able to appreciate the subtle beauty of his member the same way an art critic would appreciate the evocative exquisiteness of a Van Gogh. I am told it is the sort of instrument that, if put to good use, could feed the starving, clothe the poor and bring about world peace. It is as stunning a totem as that seen in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Only with a bell-end attached to it.
I should make it clear the bell-end I am referring to is not, in fact, Chris Brown himself.
You would think that a man wielding such an impressively grandiose love slug would be in a permanent state of giddy happiness. But no, Mr Brown has a very troubled mind.
Which must be why there are an awful lot of pictures of him smiling like a psychopath.
I seem to remember reading that Chris Brown went on a morning chat show and was incredulous at having to answer questions pertaining to the aforementioned girlfriend-beating. He was so enraged that he fled the studio and voiced his annoyance on Twitter - wishing people would stop dragging up the past. And who are we to argue with this mighty being? We should be kneeling at his feet (not too close, though) and praying he does not unleash the awesome energy of his man cannon upon the earth, ravaging our planet and dooming us all to die from the misery Chris Brown has unleashed upon us.
The same effect can be achieved by listening to Chris Brown's latest single.
Indeed, Chris Brown is a very complicated and emotionally tortured man. Well, I say 'man'. Anyone who physically abuses a woman isn't really a man at all. No matter how big his penis is.